That special feeling...

Ok, so, I'm just going to say it (and if you know me at all, you will know that I NEVER ever never have said anything like this before)...

but...

I think I'm pregnant...

I'm shaking just writing it...but this cycle is too weird...

Today, I had *very light* brown and light red spotting on the TP...looking at all my other charts, going back in my memory as far as I can remember, I have NEVER had spotting like this - not at 8DPO (only ever the day before AF...and today is not the day before AF...the earliest that I have ever had spotting is 10DPO, and even that, I think that I was a day off with my days, and that it was actually 11DPO - and AF started the next day)...I can not think of any other possible explanation for this than implantation spotting...and believe me, I have tried...and tried...

And looked up stuff online...this is as close as I've gotten (from FF):

"While you can be cautiously optimistic if you do see these signs (if you have well-timed intercourse during your fertile time) there is no way to really know if you are pregnant before you can reliably test for pregnancy."

But, again, going by the last 5 cycles which I have monitored very closely...this is so different...

My nipples are still sore...my BBs filled out an A-cup bra completely today (yes, I'm that small), whereas usually there is *space* in there...

My temps are so much higher than normal, and my chart (which usually looked the same) looks completely different...

I hate getting my hopes up, I try to never get my hopes up, I'm the most negative nelly around...

Of course, the one explanation is that AF is coming tomorrow...if my temp plummets tomorrow, and AF starts...I'm going to be devastated...but could my LP be that short - on a medicated cycle - LP is supposed to be longer on medicated cycles...right?

what am I doing...seriously...I haven't taken any tests, I have no proof...and yet, I've never been more sure of anything...have I gone crazy? Or, is this really it?

NIPPLES!!!!

Ok, so, I keep saying to myself that I'm not pregnant...I keep trying to repeat it as much as possible to convince myself that it is the truth...I give myself every reason not to think that it could happen...

But, since 2DPO, I've had sore nipples - and I KNOW that it can not possibly be from being pregnant, because the baby wouldn't have even implanted yet...so, why in the world were they sore at 2DPO?? It was probably the Metformin - cause this was my first month on it...right?

anyway, my nipples got less sore until yesterday, and now they are more sore (not really "sore" - just sensitive - and I have to ask myself - am I imagining it or making it happen simply because I want it so bad??

My chart is different then any other month also, I had increasing temps, and then today a sharp drop - could this be an implantation dip? But, there are so many not-pregnant charts that have that and so many people have charts that are different some months - that's probably what it is - and I'm just setting myself up for disappointment...

My drop today dropped to my normal post-O temps...so, might it just stay at this temp??

I'm definitely not having any other signs, don't have to pee excessively, don't have tons of creamy CM, no implantation bleeding at all...no "feel" down there that a little one might be digging in...

But, I have sore nipples...and I'm looking forward to going to bed, because I am looking forward to waking up, because I want to take my temperature...and, soon, find out what is happening from here...

I always test, every month, as much as I want - usually starting at around 7DPO...and just keep testing until AF shows...but, this month is different - I want it so bad that I'm actually scared to test...I'm scared of the results...

I have basically told DH that we are out this month...I dont want him to get his hopes up either - specially this month...cause I just want it so bad...

Here's to sticky beans and dreams coming true...

(I don't even know why I'm writing this - I'm not even writing it on JM - I just need to get it out of my system, but I dont want anyone to know...)

Waiting and waiting...

So, here I sit in the two week wait (2WW to my TTC girls)...

In general, I'm a lot happier in the 2WW, cause I get as negative as possible, and convince myself that I'm not pregnant, and think about the next cycle...while still in the back of my mind, I have a bit of hope...but, I dont stress about Oing, or BDing - what's done is done...that's kind of nice...

I'm only 5 days in, and I've had one "symptom" that no matter how much I try to push it away into the back of my head, keeps popping back up...since 2DPO, I've had sore nipples...I've never had that before, it is not possible that it is a *real* pregnancy symptom, cause that doesn't happen at 2DPO...and no matter how much I tell this to myself, I dont seem to be listening to myself...

So, there it is...sore nipples, sore BBs, and that's it...

Tomorrow I go for a progestrone test...that will be in on Tuesday, and I'm calling for my number which I should get by lunch time... think I'll know if I am possibly PG or definitely not at that time...high progestrone - then maybe...suck ass low progestrone, then no - again!!

I can't even say what I said in my last post, cause if I get my hopes up at this point, I'll be too devastated with the probable results...

Thanks for the response girls...they mean a lot:)

Absent...

Well, its been months, cause I'm in shock since it is taking this long, I never thought that it would, and it makes me sad to have this blog without good news to update with it - NO, I'm not pregnant...no, I've never been pregnant...no, I've never felt close...

Creeping in my head is that scary feeling that this might never happen...and I'm frightened to death because I want it more than I've ever wanted anything in my life...

So, this is the update...
After 3 never ending cycles - all lasting 43+ days and all Oing after 30+ days, I went to the OBGYN and asked for help...she was more than willing to help given my cycle length and age, which was great...

So, last month I went on Clomid...
(The good news) - I Oed on CD17 - YEAH!
(The bad news) - I am not pregnant, even though we timed everything perfectly...and my progestrone was 6 (which is very low, especially on a medicated cycle)...that means a weak O...

I've had my good days and my bad days with this - right now, I'm just meh!

Today is CD4, and I go in for a ovary check tomorrow...to make sure that they aren't over stimulated - umm, seriously dont think so...once that is checked out, I can get my CLomid - and start it this month...

I gotta tell you a secret...
I want it this month so bad I can taste it...
So bad that tears come into my eyes just thinking about it...I'm crying right now...
All the other months, I've had an excuse as to why it wouldn't be perfect...this mnth I dont...
It would be a February baby, I want a February baby...it is the perfect month...
My dad has lung cancer, his 70th birthday is in February...
I would get done with the first trimester during the summer when I have off and could take the best care of baby bean...
I'd get maternity leave through Spring Break, and then only have to go back to school for 6 weeks until summer of 2010...

I've already started talking to my eggie...I've told it to grow strong this month, cause mommy and daddy are going to do everything possible to make it into a person...

Ugh! Yes, I'm becoming a crazy lady, and I'm sorry...sometimes it just happens...